


trapped in a kind of hell

by myrddinthewizard



Series: how to love a liar [11]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Powerful Merlin (Merlin), Protective Gwaine (Merlin), We love, basically they're all losing their minds, conflicted Arthur, i hope you enjoy, i love lance with all my heart, merlin's also hella powerful, merlin's magic is overly protective, morgana and merlin got a whole lot of shit to work out, uhhhhh angsty?, welcome to the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:27:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29316300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrddinthewizard/pseuds/myrddinthewizard
Summary: She pulled back. “You’re here for Emrys, aren’t you?”Arthur's smile dropped instantly. “You know where he is?”Clarine shook her head. “No. We felt it, though. His magic. Everyone did. It was terrifying. Like a tsunami that just crashed over the camp and washed everything out.”(aka how arthur realizes the true extent of merlin's power)
Relationships: minor Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin) - Relationship, past Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: how to love a liar [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058711
Comments: 54
Kudos: 175





	1. part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Merlin BBC

> “ _I put my life in your hands every day, Merlin, as do Arthur and Gwen and all of Camelot, though they may not know it. You're the one who holds the fate of this kingdom in the balance._ ” - Gaius to Merlin

Mordred helped him off his horse and allowed the stableman to take the reins. “You need to get some rest, Sire. We’ll send out patrols in the morning but I really doubt we’re going to find him like that.”

Arthur swallowed roughly and stumbled towards the steps. “We have to do something. He could be out there. I can’t— I won’t pronounce him dead without trying.”

Mordred frowned. “Arthur, it’s a waiting game. I can consult the druids and see what I can do but— your patrols aren’t going to find anything. The best thing for you right now is to get some sleep. You do have a kingdom to rule over.”

“Arthur!”

Gwaine came tumbling down the steps, Lancelot on his heels. “Where the hell did you guys disappear off too? Where’s Merlin?”

Arthur pressed his lips together and pushed past them to storm up and into the castle. Lancelot shot a bewildered look over his shoulder. “What’s up with him? Where’s Merlin?”

Mordred winced, rocking back on his heels. “We don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Gwaine demanded. “Can’t you do your telepathic thing and ask him?”

“It’s a long story, Gwaine. I think it’s best to ask Arthur. I should be getting home.”

Lancelot took a step forward. “Why don’t you stay here for the night? You’re obviously tired and it’s late. You can leave in the morning.”

Mordred protested. “I don’t think—”

Lancelot pushed him away. “Go. You’re going to collapse. You know where the spare rooms are. Ask one of the maids to set one up.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Mordred stepped up and disappeared, muttering a soft thank you under his breath.

Gwaine scoffed. “A long story. I’m going to Arthur.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

Lancelot raised an eyebrow. “Let him sleep. He looked exhausted. He’s not going to talk right now. We’ll wait until morning.”

“Morning? Merlin’s gone, Lance. I thought you of all people would care.”

“Of course, I care.” He snapped. “There’s no point in wasting our time with Arthur tonight. If I know anything about Merlin, it’s that we should never underestimate him. And if I know anything about Arthur, it’s that he wouldn’t have come home unless he truly could not find him. If Arthur can’t do anything, we can’t.”

“Merlin said he was going with Arthur to visit Aithusa. If we check the caves—”

“Gwaine. Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.” Lancelot pushed him towards the knight’s quarters and slipped off.

Gwaine stared after him before turning on his heel and marching towards the king’s chambers. He burst inside without preamble. “We need to talk.”

Arthur didn’t so much as flinch. George was running around and setting up the room for the night and Arthur was slumped over his desk. “Oh? Are you breaking up with me?”

Gwaine stormed forward. “Get out, George. You’ve done enough.”

George paused, his gaze flickering to Arthur. “But—”

“I said, get out. I don’t see His Majesty refuting that statement and I am of higher rank so you would do well to listen.” Gwaine’s voice was hard.

George inhaled a breath and backed up. He took one last look at Arthur before shutting the door behind him. Gwaine made his way to the desk and shoved the papers away. “Where’s Merlin?”

Arthur didn’t look up, just leaning back in his chair.

Gwaine planted his hands on the desk. “Arthur. Where the fuck is Merlin?”

Arthur finally looked up, his eyes dark and unreadable. His lips twitched the slightest bit as he moved forward in his chair, letting out a heavy breath. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? How could you not know? This is Merlin. You never let him out of your sight. How could you lose him?” 

Arthur folded his arms on top of the desk. “I don’t know if it occurred to you, Sir Gwaine, but Merlin isn’t one who likes to be watched over. I can’t help it if he disappears and nearly kills himself.”

“Kills himself? What the hell happened today?” Gwaine clenched his teeth.

Arthur roved his eyes over Gwaine. “He can’t be found. Morgana and Merlin got into this magical fight and Merlin lost control and now they’re both gone and we can’t find them. Trust me. I wouldn’t have come home if I knew how to find him.”

“Really?” Gwaine drawled.

“I sometimes wonder whether you’re my knight or Merlin’s.”

Gwaine snorted. “Are you really asking me that?”

Arthur met his gaze and Gwaine was slightly startled at the pain in them. “Do you think me so cruel, that I would do something to hurt him? If anything, the one thing we have in common is loving Merlin.”

“You lost that the moment you pushed him away.”

Arthur let out a harsh breath. “I’ll ask you again. Are you my knight or Merlin’s?”

Gwaine was silent for a count of five. “I always belonged to Merlin. Since the day we met.”

Arthur pursed his lips slightly. “By all means, you can run off and try to find him. I did my best but Merlin just doesn't want me to find him. Maybe that would change for you.”

Gwaine let out a bitter laugh. “Don’t kid yourself. If you couldn’t find him, I have no chance. I might be Merlin’s, but Merlin was never mine. He deserves more than me.”

Arthur furrowed his eyebrow. “Does he?”

“Yeah. And he as sure as hell deserves more than you. But I think you know that.” Gwaine said, his voice going soft. “If anyone has a chance of finding him, It’s you.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. You seem to have it in your head that Merlin and I are— you know. But he’s pushing himself away. I can tell. I’m not his priority anymore.”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” Gwaine asked.

Arthur trembled slightly. “I don’t know what I want.”

Gwaine dug his tongue into his cheek. “You’re lucky, Arthur. I don't know what he sees in you. I don’t. And he may be fooling you but he’s not fooling anyone else. You are his priority. But it’s not going to stay that way forever. You’re losing him.”

“And what do you suggest that I do?”

Gwaine leaned forward, his eyes dark. “Find him. And figure out what the hell you want. Merlin deserves more than someone who can’t decide whether to push him away or pull him close.”

* * *

“Is there any chance that he could be alive?” Lancelot asked, his voice pained.

Gaius pulled off his reading glasses and rubbed his forehead. “Merlin’s magic is something I never truly understood. I think the best you can do is to go to the druids.”

Mordred pushed away from the table. “That’s what I’m saying. We go down to the camp and ask them. We can also leave Aithusa with them because I really don’t know how to raise a dragon and Merlin would kill me if I just let her go.”

Lancelot clenched his teeth. “There’s a camp in the Darkling Woods. Do you know the one?”

Mordred raised an eyebrow. “There are many camps in those woods. Which one do you mean?”

“Arthur went there a few days before repealing the ban. Speaking of which, we need to take Arthur with us. And Gwaine.”

Mordred winced. “That’s too many people. Magic might be legal but the druids are still wary. Having two knights and a king there won’t be too good.”

Lancelot stood up. “They’ve already met Arthur. You’re a druid so you’ll be fine and Gwaine and I aren’t threatening at all. Merlin’s my best friend. I’m coming with you and Gwaine will kill you if we go without him.”

Mordred hesitated and then glanced back at Gaius.

“Go. All of you. Just get him back.”

Lancelot dropped a reassuring hand on Gaius’ shoulder. “Don’t worry, Gaius. Merlin’s going to be okay. I promise.”

* * *

“Where are you going?”

Arthur snapped his bag shut and looked up. Lancelot, Mordred, and Gwaine were crowded right outside the stables.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

Gwaine pushed past Arthur and got his own horse. “We’re coming with you. To the druids.”

Arthur watched as Gwaine stormed out and made his way back to the citadel. Mordred pursed his lips. “We need to get Aithusa. The druids should be able to take care of her for the time being. She’s still a bit shaken from everything.” Mordred turned and followed Gwaine.

Lancelot stepped forward. “Don’t worry about Gwaine. He’s protective of Merlin. You know that. He doesn’t mean any harm.”

Arthur tied his bag to his horse and stepped out. “Gwaine doesn’t care about me, Lancelot. Why should I care about him?”

“He does care—”

Arthur paused turning back to Lancelot. “Gwaine wouldn’t think twice to abandon me for Merlin. I would like to have some friends I can rely on. He has some nerve telling Merlin to stop revolving his life around me when he revolves his life around Merlin.”

“It’s more than that. Gwaine loves Merlin—”

“Yeah, well so do I.” Arthur snapped. “I’ve loved Merlin from the moment we met. You know that.”

Lancelot flicked his gaze over Arthur’s face. “Then why are you pushing him away?”

“Just because I love him, doesn’t mean I can forget about everything that he’s done. Maybe you and Gwaine can forgive him but I can’t. I value trust above all else and I’m sorry if I’m hurting Merlin by trying to figure out what to do.”

“I’m not saying you’re not allowed to be angry. You are. But you have to make a decision on whether you want Merlin in your life or not, because you’re killing him. And if I know anything about Merlin, it’s that he would rather never talk to you again, than walk on broken glass.” Lancelot said, his voice steady but understanding.

“Lance—”

“If you can’t do it for Merlin, then do it for yourself. You deserve more than this. None of us are against you, Arthur. We’re not abandoning you. But just because you want to push Merlin away, doesn’t give you the right to tell us what to do with Merlin. You have no right to be jealous of Gwaine for something you brought upon yourself. Now, let’s go. We’re wasting time.” Lancelot turned and walked out, leaving Arthur alone.

Gwen looped her arms around Lancelot’s neck and pressed her lips to his. “Bring him back home, okay? He promised me that he would tell me everything.”

Lancelot smiled softly. “Don’t worry. Merlin never breaks his promises.”

Gwen dropped back down to her heels and stepped back. “Stay safe.”

Lancelot dropped into an exaggerated bow and then mounted his horse. Arthur came out from the stables, tucking his map into his bag and climbing on his horse. “We’ll be back soon, Gwen. I know I asked a lot of you but—”

Gwen waved him off. “Don’t worry. It’ll be nice to play queen for a week or so.”

Arthur laughed. “Of course. I just know that some of the court is still wary about the new laws coming in and I know I can trust you. Besides, you don’t have any real power so don’t get too into the role.”

Gwen quirked her lips up. “I know. Be safe. Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Come on.” Gwaine trotted over. “We’ve wasted enough time.”

Gwaine took off for the forest. Gwen frowned but waved goodbye as the rest of them quickly left.

* * *

Arthur dropped off his horse, a soft smile spreading over his features at the familiar camp. He’d gone back once after he’d repealed the ban on magic but the same feeling of awe settled over him. 

“Arthur!” Clarine, the small druid girl, ran up to him.

Arthur dropped down into a crouch as Clarine launched herself at him. Some of the druids were still wary of Camelot but Clarine seemed to forgive Arthur fairly quickly, which he was incredibly grateful for, even if he didn’t deserve it.

She pulled back. “You’re here for Emrys, aren’t you?”

Arthur's smile dropped instantly. “You know where he is?”

Clarine shook her head. “No. We felt it, though. His magic. Iseldir has been expecting you.”

Mordred stepped closer after tying both their horses to the tree. “You felt the magic too?”

Clarine nodded, rising to her feet. “Everyone did. It was terrifying. Like a tsunami that just crashed over the camp and washed everything out.” She tilted her head, studying Mordred. “You’re a druid.”

Mordred nodded. “I used to live here actually. Long before you were born. Can you take us to Iseldir?”

Clarine backed up. “Yes. I’ll take you.”

Lancelot took a careful step forward. “Um, what do we do about the dragon?”

Clarine furrowed her eyebrows. “Dragon?” She moved around Lancelot and gasped at the sight of the white dragon that was curled up behind Gwaine. “Oh no.”

She rushed forward but stumbled back at Gwaine, a sudden fear washing over her features. Arthur moved quickly and unclasped Gwaine’s cape. “I told you to take this off.”

Gwaine winced and balled up the Camelot red cape to shove it into his bag. “Sorry.”

Clarine gave a small smile and crept around him to the dragon. “I’ve never seen a white dragon before. I thought it was a rumor.”

“Clarine?” A small girl shouted, climbing up the hill. She froze the moment she saw the knights. 

Clarine glanced up. “Enid. Can you get father? We have a dragon.”

Enid gaped for half a second before turning to run down the hill, nodding to Arthur. Arthur smiled softly. “She seems happier.”

Clarine stood up. “She is. It’s because of you, you know.”

Arthur shook his head. “No. It’s not.”

Clarine took in a breath and latched onto Arthur’s arm. “Come on. I’ll show you to Iseldir. We’ve all been worried out of our minds. It’s like Emrys just disappeared. He has some theories, though.”

Clarine led them down as Enid and an older man rushed up to the dragon. Mordred hung back to help them as he explained the situation.

Clarine paused. “Arthur can come in. But I don’t think—”

Arthur turned to Gwaine and Lancelot. “You guys can help Aithusa or ask around. I’ll get some information.”

Gwaine frowned. “But—”

Lancelot nodded and dragged Gwaine off. “Come on. Let’s go.”

Clarine pushed inside and let Arthur in.

Lancelot watched as the druid, Alis, slathered some tonic on Aithusa’s wings. Gwaine was digging his fingers in the dirt, clearly wishing he still had his sword. Lancelot leaned forward. “Will she be okay?”

Alis sighed. “She’ll be fine. Most of this damage isn’t from magic. Only time can heal. Physically and emotionally. She’ll have to learn to cope without Emrys, her dragonlord.”

Mordred spoke up, his voice worried. “I know it’s a lot to ask but will you be able to take of her? She’s usually under Emrys’ care but— you know.”

Alis was already nodding. “Of course. We’d do anything to help Emrys.”

“Why?” Lancelot pressed his lips together, mildly embarrassed about letting his thoughts out.

Alis simply shrugged. “He’s Emrys. Why wouldn’t we?”

“But— how did he earn your devotion?” Lancelot asked.

Alis leaned back, watching him with dark eyes. “How did your king earn your devotion?”

“I saw someone worth serving. Someone who I believed would change the world for the better.”

Alis smiled wanly. “There you go.”

“You serve Emrys because you believe that his actions will benefit you. That’s selfish.” Gwaine suddenly spoke up.

“Is that not why you serve your king?”

“I don’t serve Arthur.”

“No.” Alis agreed. “You serve Merlin. Why?”

Gwaine frowned. “Why do you call him Merlin?”

“You don’t serve Emrys. You were devoted to him long before you knew who he truly was. You serve Merlin. Why?”

Gwaine didn’t respond, simply clenching his jaw.

“Because you believe him to be a good person? Because you love him? Because you saw someone worth dying for?”

Gwaine glanced up to meet the druid’s gaze. “He’s my friend. You don’t even know Emrys. How can you devote yourself to someone you don’t know?”

Alis leaned forward, just mere inches away from Gwaine. “I’m afraid that you, Sir Gwaine, don’t know him either. None of us do. But I believe in him. Because his actions benefit me. That’s not selfish. That’s being given the right to live.”

Mordred spoke up. “But he never had a choice. You put that burden on him. He never asked for it. He could’ve saved hundreds of lives but he didn’t. Isn’t that failure?”

“It was never his destiny to save every single life. That’s a burden no one should bear. There are some who believe that Emrys failed. But I don’t. Emrys saved me. My family. I used magic the other day. Some knights caught me. And I thought that I was going to die.” Alis’ eyes shone with unshed tears. “They walked away without a word. And that to me, is a success. Emrys saved my life. Now I return the favor.”

Mordred pushed back, unable to muster a response. Gwaine twisted his necklace. “I became a knight because I thought that Arthur was worth dying for. He stood up for me the first time we met. And I never forgot that. But I stayed for Merlin. Because he was my friend. My only friend.”

Lancelot glanced down. “He’s not your only friend. I get that you’re worried, Gwaine. But really, if anyone is being selfish right now, that’s you.”

* * *

Iseldir threaded his fingers together. “In some ways, Emrys’ magic is like a whole other being. In what you describe, it seems like the two have separated. Letting out that much magic and filled with all that emotion would be terrifying. There is a chance that his magic protected him and simply moved them elsewhere so they wouldn’t get caught in the brunt of the damage.”

Arthur frowned. “So they both might be alive somewhere.”

“It’s hard to say. There’s no telling what Emrys is capable of doing. But if I’m right, and they’re transported elsewhere, and they won’t be found unless Emrys breaks them out.” Iseldir said, furrowing his eyebrows.

Arthur swallowed. “There’s no way we can find them?”

“Our magic is nothing compared to him. The only person who is capable of overpowering him is himself.”

“That makes no sense. Then why isn’t he here? He should be able to get out.”

“We don’t know what their situation is. They might not even be conscious. After letting out that much magic, I don’t think Emrys would be conscious. We have no way of knowing whether he’ll wake up or not.” Iseldir let out a heavy breath. 

Arthur cursed and pushed away. “There has to be something we can do. A way to contact him, at least. Is there any way you can do your telepathic thing and try to talk to him?”

“I can’t sense him, young king. In order to establish a connection, I have to feel him. And I can always feel Emrys. He’s like an ocean. I can always hear the waves and feel his energy no matter where I am. But I can’t now. It’s like he’s gone. If he has traveled somewhere, I don’t think it’s anywhere in our material world.” 

Arthur pressed his lips together. “So what do we do?”

Iseldir met his eyes. “We have to wait. And if they do come out, you need to be there to help them. But until then…” Iseldir trailed off. Arthur hated it. He would rather go on a thousand quests and fight Morgana than sit here and wait. But it seems that all they had to do.

* * *

For a moment, Morgana thought she was dead. It was dead silent and darker than the sky just before dawn. It was terrifying. She couldn't hear anything other than her soft breaths. Morgana reached forward carefully, but there was only air around her. She fisted a hand and whispered a spell, wishing for a light. Nothing happened. Morgana repeated it and a soft flame flickered in her palm for half a second before it was doused. Cold fear settled in her bones.

She crawled forward, the ground beneath her seemed almost airy as if one wrong move would send her falling into oblivion. She moved to push herself to her feet, when her wrist twisted, drawing out a sharp gasp. She cradled her hand and found that the bone was broken. If she concentrated she could almost feel the heat of Merlin’s fingers wrapping around her skin and his cold, dark, molten eyes before everything had gone black.

She swallowed a groan of pain and stumbled to her feet. “Merlin?” Her voice trembled in the open air. She took a step forward, nearly falling on her face and the world shook with the movement. She stifled a gasp and fought to get her balance back. She clenched her teeth and moved forward, trying desperately to see through the darkness. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to reach Merlin. She couldn’t find him. 

The air was cold and Morgana shivered, calling out. “Merlin!”

There was no response. Morgana groaned and thought back to her favorite spot in the woods. She pictured it in her mind and growled out a spell. _"Bedyrne ús! Astýre ús þanonweard!"_

The air picked up around her and for a moment Morgana thought it was working but as fast as it happened, the air went still and Morgana hadn’t moved an inch. A sudden rise of frustration swelled within her and before she knew what she was doing, Morgana screamed. Her voice cracked and trembled and shook the ground. 

She ran. She didn’t know where but she ran. In reality, it didn’t seem like she was moving at all but she ran. She ran until her thighs burned and breaths came in heavy pants. She whirled around and stumbled back, crashing to the ground. The dark seemed to be pushing in and stealing away every last fragment of light until Morgana lost track of what was right and left and up and down as everything blurred into one.

She pressed the palm of her hands into her eyes, wishing for even the slightest bursts of color from within. But there was nothing. 

Something cold wrapped around her arm. Morgana jerked back and then stifled a stream when her broken wrist twisted painfully. She whipped her head up and met golden eyes. And it lit up the world more than her pitiful flames ever could.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok ok ok the next chapter is coming soon so plz be patient. i also love how these installments are quickly becoming multi-chapter but whatever. lmk what you think of gwaine because I'm trying to find that balance between him between devoted to merlin and him respecting arthur. i know it was kind of blurred in this but gwaine's just worried about merlin and partially blames arthur but I'm not sure how it came across.
> 
> hope you enjoyed and as always, comment your thoughts!!


	2. part 2

The world melted around her. The darkness dripped away and Morgana was forced to shield her eyes from the sudden light that flooded her vision.

“Morgana.”

She glanced up, disoriented.

“Careful.”

She stepped back and let out an undignified shriek as her foot caught onto an edge. Merlin yanked her up, pushing her away.

Morgana gasped, stumbling back. The sky was the most brilliant cloudless blue and stretched like a dome over their heads. Before her was a cliff and if she inched forward, she could see the sheer drop into the rolling waves of the ocean below. The sound of water crashing against the rocks roared in her ears.

The stone she stood on stretched to the diameter of a mere dozen feet. They were alone in the middle of the vast blue. Merlin’s fingers wrapped around her wrist and Morgana jerked back, pain shooting through her arm. 

Merlin ducked down as if trying to seem less threatening. “Easy. I just want to heal your wrist. It’s broken.”

“No shit.” Morgana breathed out, still numb with shock. “What the hell is this?”

Merlin backed up. His eyes, Morgana knew, should match the dark sea behind his back, but instead, they shone of the sun above their heads. “Are you doing magic?”

“No. Why?”

Morgana took a careful step forward. “You’re eyes. They’re gold. Like bright gold.”

Merlin ran a hand over his face as if that would fix it. “Oh.”

“Oh? What do you mean ‘ _ Oh _ ’?” Morgana snapped. “What did you do?”

“What did I do? You’re the one who made me lose control. What did you do to me?”

“I didn’t do anything! You made that whole storm and now we’re here!”

Merlin furrowed his eyebrows. “Where?”

Morgana stomped her foot into the ground, barely noticing as the small jut of rock they stood on trembled. “I don’t know! You’re the one who brought us here. What waters are these? Are we in the Great Seas?”

“The Great Seas?”

“Of Meredoc, you fool. Which else?” Morgana groaned. “Take us back.”

“Back where?”

Before Morgana could contemplate her actions, she stomped up and punched Merlin. Right in the jaw. Merlin yelped and lost his footing, crashing to the ground. “What the hell, Morgana? What is with you girls and punching my jaw?”

“Excuse me?” Morgana demanded.

Merlin staggered to his feet, cradling his face. “Gwen punched me when she found out about my magic. You couldn’t have gone to the other side of my face? Fuck.” Merlin grit out, squeezing his eyes shut.

Morgana fisted her hands on her hips. “Oh? And where is Gwen?”

“She’s in Camelot.” Merlin suddenly jerked, his eyes flying open. “You touch her and I’ll kill you.”

Morgana scoffed. “How the hell can I get to Gwen when I can’t even leave here?”

Merlin sighed. “Have you tried?”

“Of course I have. I’m not an idiot.”

Merlin suddenly snorted. “That’s debatable.”

Morgana clenched her jaw and tried to calm her breaths. She whirled around and looked up. There was something odd about the place. The air seemed to vibrate with a type of energy that felt so, so very familiar. She glanced back at Merlin, who was watching the rolling waves with a type of awe. She twisted her wrist carefully, finding that the bone was perfectly in place.

“Merlin.”

He turned back. His jaw was healed. “What?”

“It was a trick I learned from Morgouse. It messes with your mind. That’s why you lost control. It seems I might have underestimated you a little.”

Merlin let out a heavy breath. “Yeah. Everyone seems to.”

“Where’s your magic?”

“Where? It’s in me. What the hell do you mean?” Merlin’s was drained as if he’d suddenly become tired of it all.

“I wonder…I was trying to….” Morgana looked up at the sky, trailing off.

“Look, I’ll figure out something—”

“Do you not feel it? There’s something wrong with this place.”

Merlin rolled his eyes and looked around. He held up a hand and froze, his eyebrows furrowing. “There’s something wrong with my magic.”

“Well, obviously. Do you know what you did back there? It’s a miracle you’re still alive.”

“Were you trying to kill me?”

“No. I was trying to— I don’t know.”

They fell silent before Morgana spoke. “I’m going to try something. Don’t kill me.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow. “What—?”

“What’s something that makes you sad?” Morgana asked.

Merlin crossed his arms. “A lot of things.”

“You’ve lost a lot of people in your life, yeah? Your friend. From Ealdor. Prince William. A man who hated nobility, giving his life up for one. He wasn’t the sorcerer, was he? You were.” Morgana carefully moved forward. “There was your father. The last dragonlord whose powers were passed on to you. Uther chased him out and stripped him of his rights to live. It’s Uther’s fault you never had a father. Uther’s fault you were ridiculed wherever you went. Called a freak. A bastard.” Morgana’s voice slipped into something darker. She reached out frantically, hoping her wild assumptions were right. Judging by the stricken look on Merlin’s face, she was.

“It’s funny when you think about it. The number of people that you’ve lost. You’re friends and your family and anyone you ever dared to love. You gave up everything for Arthur, didn’t you? You gave up everything until you were left with nothing but this devotion that you know was never returned.”

Merlin staggered back. “Stop it. What do you think you’re doing?”

“He pushed you away. He knew that you gave up your entire life for him and he decided to take away the last thing you had left. Himself. And you still put him first don’t you?” Something wet splattered on Morgana’s arm. She ignored it. “Even all this. This desperate attempt to make something of your life. Don’t give yourself any credit, Merlin. This is still for Arthur. You need Mordred on your side because god forbid you push him to fulfill his destiny. You need to make up with me. You can’t have me taking over, can you? After all, that’s just another loss in Arthur’s life. Or what’s left of it.”

“That’s not— what—?”

Something twanged in her chest. Something she dimly registered as guilt. “You’re a failure. You know. I know it. You could’ve prevented it. All the damage and destructions and  _ blood  _ that stains your fingers. Part of you hates it. Hates that you would tear this earth and strip it to her bones if only you could see the man you love smile again. You think he cares?” The light drizzle shifted to a steady pour, matting her hair to her neck. “You think that he’s worried about you? He’s probably relieved. One less thing to worry about. One less filthy sorcerer in his way.”

Merlin’s knees buckled beneath him. “You—”

“Come on, Emrys. You can’t find it in you to fight back, can you? Aren’t you lonely? All this power and magic that runs through your veins and yet, you’re alone. There’s no one like you. You don’t belong with sorcerers or with the druids. Not with mere mortals or with the gods. You don’t belong, Merlin.” Morgana stalked forward slightly, the words bitter on her tongue.

Merlin curled into himself, oblivious to the clouds that drew together in the once clear sky. Oblivious to the rain that dripped down his clothes and seeped through his skin. Morgana swallowed the lump in her throat and looked around. “That’s amazing. This isn’t real.”

Merlin let out a shuddering breath.

“Merlin. You’re not doing magic, right?” Morgana tilted her head back, letting the rain wet her face. “I knew there was something wrong with this. Merlin, this is you.”

Merlin blinked. “What?”

Morgana winced softly when Merlin’s voice cracked. “Your magic is everywhere. That’s the only reason that we’re not dead. It’s protecting you.”

Merlin gripped his head. “You’re out of your mind.”

Morgana dropped down to Merlin’s level, arching an eyebrow. “It’s better to be out of your mind than trapped in it.”

Merlin stares at her, his eyes blank. “I don’t understand. What are you doing?”

Morgana roved his eyes over Merlin’s painfully thin frame. He looked small and almost pathetic as he curled himself up into a ball. Morgana clicked her tongue and dragged Merlin to his feet. “I was just trying to get a reaction out of you. Snap out of it.”

“Snap out of it? Is this a game to you?” Merlin’s voice trembled.

The ground beneath her shook slightly. “No. Calm down. This place reflects your emotions. You get too angry and you’ll tear the place down.”

Merlin scoffed. “Good. Why shouldn’t I?”

The rain tapered off ever-so-slightly. “Because I know you, Merlin. And contrary to what you think, I’m not stupid. I stayed with the druids for a while, you know. They always talked about Emrys. Their great savior. With magic that can rival the gods.”

Merlin laughed bitterly. “What are you doing, Morgana?”

Morgana backed up. “I don’t know. I just— you healed me.”

“I did what?”

“My wrist. You broke it and you healed it.”

Merlin glanced down, furrowing his eyebrows. “I did not do that.”

“No.” She agreed. “Your magic did.”

“You talk like my magic and I are two different things.”

Morgana shrugged.

Merlin watched her for a moment, his eyes hard and unreadable. He advanced, forcing Morgana backward. “Do you trust me?”

“No.”

Merlin nodded, pursing his lips ever-so-slightly. “Good.” And then he pushed Morgana right off the cliff.

* * *

“It takes years of hard work and training to master things like that,” Iseldir said. “Nimueh was one of the only high priestesses that possessed such a power. That is why your father chose her.”

Arthur frowned. “She was a part of the court?”

“Uther wasn’t always wary of magic. In fact, he has many magical people in his court. Including Nimueh and even Emrys’ father, Balinor.”

Arthur shot his head up. “Balinor? The dragonlord? He was my father's friend?”

Iseldir smiled sadly. “Yes. Your mother was friends with him as well. She loved magic. And she trusted it enough to give birth to you.”

“Nimeuh was the only one who had mastered life and death?”

“At the time, yes. But now Nimueh is dead. Killed by the one thing she dedicated her entire life to.”

Arthur leaned back, drawing in a breath. “What do you mean?”

“Your mother was sacrificed to give birth to you. And Nimueh was killed to save you.” Iseldir’s voice took on a silent type of awe.

“Who killed Nimueh?”

“I wonder what exactly Emrys has told you. Seems like not much.”

Arthur sat up. “Merlin killed her?”

“After the questing beast. Your physician is talented but even he can’t reverse the lethal bite.”

Arthur’s mind raced. “But you said that to master it took years of work and training. How did Merlin—?”

“Emrys has powers that your mind cannot even fathom. He mastered it in a day. Not through practice, but through sheer power.” Iseldir leaned forward, his eyes dark. “You should count your blessings, Arthur Pendragon. If Emrys wasn’t on your side, Camelot would be nothing but ash.”

Arthur stared back and then let out a disbelieving laugh. “He spent ten years emptying my chamber pots. Why would he—?” Arthur cut himself off with a shuddering breath. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

Before Iseldir could respond, Arthur stormed outside, the tent flapping in the wind. He couldn’t help but wonder what he’d done to deserve Merlin’s loyalty. He hadn’t even asked Merlin what he’d done or even bothered to give a proper thanks. Arthur’s response was simply to push him away.

A pang of sudden guilt churned in his chest. He slumped down on one of the fire logs and tugged roughly at his hair. What had he done?

“Wallowing over your life choices?”

Gwaine dropped down beside him, eyebrow raised. Lancelot followed behind.

Arthur groaned. “I fucked up.”

Gwaine shrugged. “I can’t argue with that.”

“I can’t believe I’ve had the most powerful sorcerer in the world as my servant for the past ten years. How could I have not known?”

Lancelot sat down. “It was pretty obvious. It seems you lot are just oblivious as hell.”

Arthur scrunched up his face. “You’re right. I’m going to lose him and I can’t—”

“It’s not as hard as you’re making it out to be, Princess. Just beg for his forgiveness and hope he doesn’t smite you.” Gwaine muttered.

Arthur shot him a sideways look. “He’s not going to smite me.”

Gwaine cleared his throat and glanced up at Lancelot before turning to face Arthur. “I’m not going to lie. I love Merlin.”

Arthur stiffened but didn’t respond.

“For a while, he was my only friend. But I’m going to make one thing clear. I’m not abandoning you. I don’t know when you got so fucking insecure but you should know that I’ll always choose Merlin over you. Just as you will always choose Merlin over me.”

“Is this supposed to comfort me?”

“This whole thing never would’ve happened if you hadn’t pushed him away in the first place. Now he could be dead and we don’t know. But Merlin dedicated his life to protect you. And I became your knight to do the same. And you’re a prat and all but you are one of the only nobles I know that are worth dying for.”

Arthur glanced up to meet Gwaine’s gaze. “Merlin loves you too. I don’t know if it’s in the same way that you do but you’re allowed to spend time with him. I have no right to get angry.”

Gwaine snorted. “It was amusing. You’re face got all red and—”

“Oh, don’t.”

Lancelot stared at the two of them. “That was just about the worst apology that I’ve ever heard. Is this how you communicate?”

Gwaine raised an eyebrow. “Don’t push it, Lance. I said I'd die for Arthur and Arthur said that I could hang out with Merlin without him becoming a jealous tosser. I count that as a win.”

Lancelot groaned and stood up. “I’m going to find Mordred. I can’t deal with this anymore.”

Arthur’s lips twitched and he glanced up at Gwaine. Gwaine quirked his lips up. It was an unspoken agreement. And Lancelot may not understand but Arthur knew that Gwaine did. And that was enough.

* * *

Morgana didn’t even register that she was falling at first. The sky tumbled and the wind whistled in her ears. She winced and shut her eyes as the water rushed towards her and just as her body slammed into the ice-cold water, her shoulder scraped painfully against the gritty stone. It took her a moment to realize that the chill that engulfed her wasn’t water. 

Her hands scuffed the stone, rubbing her skin raw. A gasp tore from her throat. “What—?”

“Easy.” Merlin crouched down before her, outstretching his hand.

Morgana scrambled back. “Did— did you just push me off a fucking cliff?”

Merlin winced, though his eyes were filled with an underlying amusement. “You play with my emotions and I’ll push you off a cliff. Don’t start the game if you can’t play.”

“Game? What were you even trying to do?”

“I didn’t save you, Morgana. At least not consciously.” 

Morgana scoffed. “That was a test? Are you kidding me? I could’ve died!”

Merlin pulled Morgana to her feet. “Would that be so bad?”

Morgana scoffed and pulled away from Merlin’s grip. “Why are we here?”

“My magic protected you. It protected me. And if your theory is right then we need to eliminate the threat that made my magic act up in the first place.”

Morgana stared. “You mean me.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “I shoved you off a cliff. Why would my magic save you if it wanted you dead?”

“I was the threat—”

“No. The threat isn’t a person, Morgana. This is the problem with you. You think that killing me, that killing Arthur and Gwen is going to get you everything that you want. We are not the problem. We’re on the same side. We want the same things.” Merlin’s voice dropped to a whisper.

Morgana moved back. “Don’t try and become all high and mighty. Is this some new revelation that you’ve had? You want Arthur on the throne. You want to live your life with the man you love—”

“Stop bringing Arthur into this. Arthur isn’t the problem. We both want freedom. We both want to get justice for the crimes committed against our people. You’re trying to split us apart and yes, we want different people on the throne but we want those people to  _ do the same things _ .” Merlin closed the distance between them.

“No. You want to hide in Arthur’s shadow and—”

“I don’t give a fuck about Arthur.” Merlin snarled, his entire form suddenly trembling with anger. “This isn’t about him. I’ve made mistakes and I know that I failed at a lot of stuff. But this–” Merlin gestured between them. “This is not for Arthur. This is for me and for you. Aren’t you tired? All of this anger and frustration. Is it so hard to just let go?”

“Let it go? And do what? Go slunk off to live in a hovel while you do everything?”

“No. We come to a compromise. It’s not too late. It’s never too late. Give me a chance to make things right. You can’t be queen but you can help. You can come back to Camelot and give advice. You’re right. Arthur’s ignorant. He doesn’t know what he’s doing but we can help. We build the world that we want to live in. I know that I’m going to but it’s up to you whether you want to be a part of it or not.”

Morgana pursed her lips together, silent.

Merlin inched closer. “Please. If the circumstances were different, you would be an amazing queen. I believe that there’s still a part of you that’s good. You have a good heart. You’ve got what it takes to change Camelot for the better but you don't have the support. You can kill me and Arthur and Gwen and anyone else who goes against you but then what? You rule over a broken kingdom filled with mindless people. Arthur has Camelot being his back. His people love him. If you work together—”

“What guarantee is there? Is he even going to welcome me in Camelot?”

“I’ll make sure of it. You’ll have a voice. You can finally be heard—”

Morgana scowled. “And how the hell are you going to do that when Arthur pushed you away? You don’t have a voice anymore. How do you expect me to have one?”

“Arthur and I have some things to figure out. There is no guarantee but if you trust me, I can get you what you want. You can be heard.” Merlin whispered. “I’m so tired, Morgana. Why can’t we just go home?”

Every single part of her ached to just fall forward. To drop it all. It would be easy. So, so easy. Morgana shook her head, backing up. “You can’t—” She clenched her jaw. Her entire life she was looked down on and pushed away. She was abandoned and betrayed but if she was being honest with herself, she was tired too. “You can’t just say a bunch of pretty words and expect everything to be okay.”

“I know. It’s going to take time and hard work. I’m not saying that we have to be best buddies but we have the same goal. We can work together. There doesn’t need to be all this death and destruction. We have our differences but I’m done with this. I can’t do it anymore.” Merlin pleaded, his voice soft.

Morgana bit down her lip hard until she tasted metal. “Neither can I. That throne is mine. And I—”

“You lost your right to that throne the moment you betrayed Camelot. But you can still have a voice. We can find another way and don’t tell me that there isn’t one.”

Morgana let out a breath and looked around. The waves were much calmer than they were before and the air smelt of salt. Merlin’s face was washed with sunlight and he looked almost ethereal. For a moment she wondered why she was so angry. Why she wanted this man dead. This sad, lonely man. She could read his face easily. The way his eyes begged her. As if he couldn’t bear the other option.

“You told me that I didn’t know anything about love.” Morgana stepped forward. 

“I was angry and out of control. I was wrong. If anyone knows anything about love, it’s you. You have a family, Morgana. You’re not alone. There are people out there who love you. The real you. Not this twisted, misguided girl who lost her way. But the girl who saved a helpless druid boy. The girl who passed out food to the poor during a drought while you were starving. The girl who followed me to Ealdor to help my mother because I was a friend and you wanted to return a favor. That’s the girl I know and love. You’re not as alone as you think. None of us are.”

Morgana’s gaze flicked down to Merlin’s outstretched hand. “I’m sorry. About before. It was cruel to say the things that I did.”

“It’s okay. We all say and do things we don’t mean. I’m sorry that I pushed you off a cliff. I’ll admit it was satisfying in a way. It's a shame that I actually don’t want you dead. But don’t think that would stop me if it comes to it.”

“I hope it doesn’t,” Morgana said. “I can’t make your life miserable if I’m dead.”

Merlin’s lips quirked up the slightest bit. “So?”

“Don’t think you’re off the hook. We’re talking this through later and if you betray me again—”

“I will let you kill me.”

Morgana stifled a snort. “I just want to get out of here. I feel like I’m going to throw up with all the salt and water. Is this really what you think to be relaxing?”

“It’s my own personal heaven, Morgana.”

“Yeah, and it’s my personal hell. Although that might just be you.”

Merlin suddenly grinned, his teeth pearly in the light. “Home?”

“You do know how to get us out of here, right?” Morgana moved closer.

Merlin shrugged. “Let’s hope so. I’ll see you on the other side?”

Morgana shoved Merlin back. “Quit stalling, Merlin.”

The world seemed to glow all at once, bleeding through the sky and weaving through the air until all Morgana could see was Merlin’s eyes. And then it all went dark.

* * *

Mordred felt it. It was kind of like that feeling you get right when your ears pop. When the sound rushes back in and fills you up. It was clear he wasn’t the only one who felt it. Clarine, who was showing Gwaine magic, gasped and looked up.

Arthur frowned. “What happened?”

“You don’t feel it?” Mordred staggered to his feet. “That’s—”

“Emrys,” Clarine whispered. Her eyes lit up. “That’s Emrys. He’s back.”

“He’s— what?” Arthur stumbled, his eyes wide. “He’s back?”

“He’s got to be the valley where they disappeared,” Mordred said, jogging up to Iseldir. “It takes days to get there, though.”

Iseldir smiled. “Then you can take the easy way. Be warned, though. We still have no idea if he’s okay.”

“He has to be. What’s the easy way?” Gwaine demanded.

Mordred nodded and backed up. “Come on. Link hands.”

Gwaine, who usually wouldn’t hold Arthur’s hand for anything, linked them together without hesitation while Lancelot slipped his hand into Mordred.

Mordred glanced up at Iseldir. “I can’t do it alone.”

“You’re not alone. Now, go. Take care of Emrys for us.”

Mordred gripped Gwaine’s arm. “Yeah. I’ll see you.”

Clarine winked at Arthur. “Don’t be an idiot, Pendragon. I can tell you love him.”

Arthur pouted. “Sometimes I wonder how old you are.”

“Bye, Arthur.”

Mordred squeezed his eyes shut and Iseldir’s voice whispered in his mind. He chanted softly along with him and disappeared. 

Arthur stumbled into the valley. At first, it looked just as barren as it was before. And then he heard a loud groan. Gwaine rushed forward. “Merlin?”

A head of black hair popped out of the large crater in the center. Quickly followed by pale skin as Merlin stumbled to his feet. “Fuck. That was unnecessarily painful.”

Arthur was moving forward before he knew what he was doing. Merlin stumbled back a bit. “Arthur—”

But all he could see was the same blue eyes and curling hair and Arthur cupped his face and kissed him. In hindsight, it was a terrible decision but at the moment all he could focus on the real, solid,  _ alive  _ body before him. His lips slipped from Merlin’s as he buried his face in his neck and breathed in the salt on his skin.

And he was too caught up in everything to notice how stiff Merlin went beneath him.

_ \--0-o-0-- _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this entire fic is going off the rails but what the hell. enjoy!!


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